


im evil to the core

by blurrycopaface



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Blood Kink, Blurryface Era, Dirty Talk, Dom/sub, Face Slapping, Friends to Lovers, Heavy BDSM, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired by Music, Knifeplay, M/M, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Rope Bondage, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-16 07:22:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21032408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blurrycopaface/pseuds/blurrycopaface
Summary: Tyler knows he’s messed up, he knows he’s a weird guy. That’s why he kept it all a secret for so long.





	im evil to the core

**Author's Note:**

> _what i shouldnt do, i will, they say im emotional_   
_what i wanna save ill kill_   
_is that who i truly am? i truly dont have a chance_   
_tomorrow i’ll keep a beat and repeat yesterday’s dance_

You see, Tyler always had a lot of things inside his head, even as a kid, all of these frantic thoughts: thoughts of pain and anger, overwhelming, crushing, burdening ideas that he felt he bad no outlet for. No one in his family would understand, no one at church would understand, no one school would bother either.  
There were so many people in Tyler’s personal life who didn’t sympathize or connect with him the way that he wished they would and he felt so agonizingly alone. So they stayed bottled up inside and hurt so bad until he needed to let them all out, release them somehow, if not verbally, then tangibly.

He used to harm himself as a young boy, snapping a rubber band against his wrist while he walked around the school campus, floating through the hallways from class to class like an ephemeral ghost. He was known as being the ‘funny jock kid’ of the school; he was well behaved, cracked jokes in class, went to church, was in choir and played basketball. No one suspected him to run a razor across his arms at night.  
No one paid attention to the growing collection of long sleeves he wore. He was just some dude that had a pastor as a Dad and decent grades.

Tyler harbored so much self hatred for this secret, he knew he was letting everyone in his life down, including God. So he stayed silent about it, he feared being cast out from his circle, being seen as weak, as a fuck up or a nut case.

Music was the only solace he found to expressing his emotions that didn’t include self harming. Music was a friend, a tool he could depend on to always be there for him and never judge. Performing gave him a stage to be whatever he truly needed to be, a free space to just let go. Be wild, be crazy, be in pain. He didn’t want to scare people away, couldn’t bear to lose more than he already didn’t have. They only were ever allowed to see his exterior shell, his mask that he put on to face the world. That’s how it always was and that’s how it always would be.

Then a boy named Josh came into his life and shattered this mask that he wore. Josh was unlike any person Tyler had come to know. He was so authentically kind, so inherently positive thinking and honest. He was always wanting to be good, but not for egotistical or manipulative reasons, Josh just simply _was_ good.

Josh was so easy to talk to, to relate with, Tyler and him became close almost instantaneously. He would be lying if Tyler didn’t admit that Josh had become one of the most important people in his life. But he feared that he would grow to realize how fucked up he was; how manic and unpredictable he could truly be, how dark and destructive his thoughts were sometimes. He dared not ruin the precious friendship they had, let alone their entire careers that now relied on them getting along with one another.

But Tyler couldn’t hide himself forever. Josh had a way of seeing Tyler’s true nature behind the mask, even when Tyler tried so exhaustingly to present himself in a different way. It was bound to happen.

—

“You get off on _what_?” Tyler’s blood ran cold when he finally admitted it to his best friend, I mean that’s what he gets for asking, right?

They were playing a game of ‘Deepest Secrets’, something they made up and used to do back in the early band van days, a game of asking about secrets, wether they told the truth or not to one another was up to them. But Josh had popped the brave question of: “What do you normally think about when you masturbate?”  
“I-uh, Yeah I think about...about hurting people.”

Josh is looking bambi eyed at his band mate, brown eyes sparkling with what Tyler can pick out as being obvious shock, but maybe also..._interest_?

Josh was very bashful and shy when it came to sex, and it wasn’t a topic the two had really discussed much, despite them being extremely close. Tyler would make a suggestive joke and the poor man lit up like a candle in a hot blush.

Tyler was brutally honest, but that’s not to say he went around feeling capable of sharing the intimate details of his mind, so Josh didn’t know much about Tyler’s sexual side either, what with all the other things they _did_ know about each other - favorite movies, favorites snacks, most comfortable sleeping positions, this was totally foreign territory for the both of them.  
Neither had the most open environment to discuss topics like these when growing up, so the excitement of talking about dirty things with a close friend sent such a thrill through the both of them. No one was around to overhear them and waggle a scolding finger, it was just two guys talking about stuff your parents wouldn’t want to know you talked about.

Tyler loved to tease him, _oh man did he_, he tried not to pay much attention to the fact it made his groin all hot and tight when Josh got so flustered and giddy from a compliment, or dwell too much on when Tyler would be gently jerking himself off in the bed next to Josh and find his mind would slip to how his breath always became labored and slow if Tyler got really close to his face, tickling his bandmate’s neck with words and laughter.  
They were just friends, right? Right.

They had a band to be in.

But Josh pressed the question on him again a few nights after the initial topic was brought up, and that’s when Tyler begins to really realize that Josh was just as curious to learn about his inner secrets as he himself was of Josh’s.

He was obviously so flummoxed to approach Tyler with it and Tyler felt rather proud of his friend for having the balls to do so, despite his severe anxiety.

“S-so what do you imagine when you..._you know_-“ Josh is biting his pink lips so they become pinker, embarrassedly avoiding making eye contact as he asks his question.

“Think of hurting someone?” Tyler suggests, knowing exactly what he was asking merely from his body language and flashes an amused smirk at the other.

”Well, uh, a lot of things really...”

They were sitting across from each other on a plane. It was dark outside as they flew through the sky, little yellow and blue lights gently blinking to illuminate their surroundings. Tyler rubs his own hands together absentmindedly, watching Josh like a television.

“I think about...I think about choking someone.”

And here he sees Josh’s skin color change _dramatically_ on his cheeks. Tyler feels a thrill of excitement flood his chest and stomach.

God he loved when Josh blushed like that.

“And I-I think about calling them degrading things.” Josh is looking out the airplane window now, Adam's apple bobbing sporadically in an attempt to swallow, his eyes darting back and forth to scan the city scape below.

Tyler could only imagine what he was thinking. Wishes he could know. “I think about hitting them. I think about…”

Josh turns to look at the table between them, his gaze fixed on Tyler’s moving hands as he massages his own fingers and palms. Tyler cracks his knuckles and thinks he sees Josh flinch.

“I think about tying someone up. And making them...making them bleed.” And here it seems Josh is so stunned by this information that, he has to make eye contact, just to be certain it _was still_ Tyler actually speaking.

His eyes were watery and spaced out looking, he was probably tired from just playing a show then hopping on a plane, his baby blue hair was a mess that framed his furiously blushing face. Josh lets out a small gasp, pink mouth parting and Tyler watches this movement of his lips, feels himself _throb_, tries to ignore it.

That was just about as much as Tyler was willing to expose of himself for the night. He clears his throat in order to clear his mind. “Um-so what do you get off on, Josh?”

This was a game Tyler could play, even without the cards to guide them.

It takes Josh off guard and he blinks dumbly, scratching at the back of his head. “O-oh um.” Josh sucks in a sharp breath, playing with his own hands, now on the table as well, he turns his gaze to desperately look around the room of the plane, still gnawing his bottom lip.

Tyler watches the color leave the skin where Josh sinks his teeth into himself, then rush back to fleshy life as he lets it go. The engine thrums in their lack of conversation and Tyler shifts awkwardly on his seat from the tenting occuring in his pants. God it was so stupid to get so worked up just from talking about sex with Josh, why did it turn Tyler on so damn much?

Tyler hates it and loves it at the same time.

Josh looks back to the table between them, seemingly lost in thought. “I guess...I uh...same as _you_?” It sounded like a question and Tyler cocks his head.

“You’ve thought about hurting someone?”

This surprises Tyler, he never thought of Josh having sadistic tendencies. Josh looks up, shaking his head slightly, “Oh no, I mean- I meant it’s the _opposite_ to you, like-like I _want_ to be hurt.”

Oh._ Oh_. Now _that_ made a lot more sense.

Tyler thinks back on the time that Josh injured his fingers while drumming, the blood spraying across his white shorts and drumkit like a painting, how Tyler very quickly offered to help him, not being the slightest bit squeamish by the blood, and how Josh barely even flinched while Tyler cleaned him and soothed his swollen digits.

In fact, upon remembering in surprising detail, Josh was blushing then too and biting his lips. It was an incredibly intimate moment, perhaps more so than all the times they had showered alongside eachother, or slept in the same hotel bed in their underwear, this situation was simply so vulnerable, raw and quiet.

Tyler had felt Josh’s breathing against his neck as he wrapped the other man’s fingers in bandages. Tyler was semi hard in that memory, from being so close to Josh, heart still pounding as an after effect of their performance.  
He feels Josh’s own heartbeat in his bleeding bandaged fingers.

  
Tyler had paid such gentle and close attention to his wounds, wiping the blood off his sweaty abdomen and leg with a cloth. God how Tyler wanted to see Josh with _more_ blood on him. Wanted to be the _cause_ of the blood. He hates himself for thinking that way and is glad Josh couldn’t read his dirty mind.

He has to stifle a moan when Josh had whimpered softly as Tyler bent his finger pad a little too roughly.  
“S-sorry.” Tyler’s voice is broken, tired from singing but more so, tired from trying to hide his own arousal.

“S’okay man.” And Josh makes eye contact with Tyler, something flashing between them in a millisecond that was so electric Tyler would have pushed Josh up against the dressing room wall right then if he had the nerves. But he didn’t. Not yet.

It was bound to happen. They both loved each other so much, they were inseparable. Everyone knew that for a fact.

It was bound to happen that they would realize that the magnetism they shared between each other maybe was just as intense on the other’s end as they had hoped and dreamed. Tyler wasn’t stupid, he could pick up on the cues, he had been seeing them for years, was just too scared to act on them.

Tyler was always so guarded and reluctant to let Josh into his dark world. But something kept nagging at him to just let go. He knew deep down that Josh probably would understand.

They continued talking about sex with each other here and there, becoming more and more confident and familiar with this part of the map in the other’s mind that was once unexplored.  
Once the damn broke, everything came flooding out from years of sexual tension.

—

Tyler proposes the question to Josh regarding whether he had ever been penetrated before. They were sleeping in a hotel bed after a day of interviews and planning. Having each just showered and now laying next to each other, nothing but boxers on.

The lights were low and their legs are were slightly tangled into one another, Josh’s arm around Tyler’s shoulders, nothing unusual for them.

“Oh.” Josh raises a hand to his head and Tyler watches as he covers one side of his face with his palm, shutting his eyes and squints up in an expression of awkwardness.

“Um, yes. I do it a lot when I, well, _ya know_-...” Josh pauses for a loss of words and Tyler Interjects, “-_Jerk off_, you can say it Josh, it’s just me man.”

And Tyler scoots closer to him on the bed to place his hand comfortingly against Josh’s bicep, watching as he shudders gently under his touch.  
“Does it feel really good? Having something in you?” Tyler’s voice is raspy again and he is breathing rather hard against Josh’s neck, tilting his head slightly to watch him sideways.

“Ah-I, yeah, _very_, very good.” Josh was breathing harder than him, it seemed as if his whole chest and shoulders were blushing too, but that may have been from their hot shower.

Tyler was counting his freckles that spread out across his upper body like a constellation of stars.

“Hmm, I’ve always wanted to try that. I only did it a couple times before to myself, but it was kind of awkward for me...I think I would need some, _uh_, guidance.” Tyler rubs his thumb against Josh’s soft skin thoughtfully, he was trying to hide his erection but as they adjust against each other, Tyler feels Josh’s own blatantly excited dick poking into his hip and they both freeze.

The two realize what is happening, and it wouldn’t be the first time, but now they had context, they had build-up, they had foreplay, and they had more reason than ever before to _just take the leap._

Both of their hearts race as they look at one another for a few moments, eyes dancing across the other’s so familiar features.

“Just kiss me.” Tyler finally mumbles out and Josh does. It was bound to happen and both were so relieved when it finally did.

—

The sobs were louder than Tyler had meant them to be. It was hard to control his own volume when he reached this emotional point of breaking.

Hands were cradling his own head, rocking himself on his heels up and down as Josh came around the corner of the room and found him.

“Hey Ty…” Josh’s warm hand rested on the back of his neck and Tyler looks up, rather startled. “You okay man?”

Tyler sniffs, wanting to shrug off his mental breakdown but it was too late, Josh knew that he wasn’t okay. It wasn’t the first time he had an episode in front of him. Wasn’t the first time they wanted to comfort the other one. Tyler still hated being out of control, he always wanted to be strong and capable, especially in front of Josh.

Tyler trembles, eyes shutting. “I am just _so fucking_ angry dude!” He groans and pulls at his own hair while Josh strokes soothingly down his back.

“Anything I can do to help?” Josh really was the sweetest person in the whole damn world and Tyler almost felt the instinct to reject his compassion.

“The lights for the show just aren’t syncing up right and one of the amps just blew out so Mark has to order a new one and _pray to God_ that it will arrive by tonight. I hate feeling helpless! I just-I just want to fucking_ do something_.” Tyler throws his hands off of his head, glaring at Josh with his nostrils flared wildly. “I get so fucking pent up about shit, it makes me want to _hurt_ someone.”

Josh tilts his head, eyes glancing away from Tyler nervously. There was that familiar blush again. “O-Oh?” Then they return to Tyler.

“Maybe, _uh_, maybe we should work something out between us...isn’t that what partners do, help eachother out?” Tyler’s tumultuous brown eyes blink slowly, a mischievous twinkle dancing through them in thought at what Josh had suggested. The offer makes his heart beat rapidly.

_Yeah, yeah that would be a great idea_. And this is where it all began.

\--

The room smelled like blood and sweat, that was the first indicator to Josh that it was one of those nights. He expected it to happen regularly once they came to terms about how their relationship dynamic could work.

That was the whole purpose of them risking their friendship for something beyond platonic, it was because Tyler liked to cause pain and Josh wanted to receive it, it was just too perfect not to negotiate. Josh had begged Tyler to quit holding back on him, reassuring his partner that anything he wanted to do during their play was acceptable.

Night after night Josh had been telling him that he could handle it, that he wanted to be used, that he was ready for it. Josh doesn’t think Tyler fully understands _how badly_ he needed this. It was as cathartic and addicting for himself as it was for Tyler.

The yellow haired man sat himself shirtless in the middle of the room, he knew his place, as they had already played through this scenario quite a few times before. Even so, each time still brought a rush of the unknown, a surge of fear mixed with arousal that pounded itself through Josh’s blood stream. That would never go away, Josh figured, it was instinct for him to be anxious with just about everything.

Tyler had a way of making it seem okay to be scared though, because inside, past the waves of nerves and uneasiness crashing through him, Josh knew that he was safe with Tyler and that this was something very intensely special for just the two of them. Tyler wouldn’t have trusted anyone else with this.

Not even his fiancé, Jenna (she knew about _them_ of course, just not about _this_) and Josh felt an incredible honor to know that he was the only one who got to experience this part of Tyler that he had kept guarded so fiercely his whole life.

Another figure walks into the room, he was wearing a full red suit with a black tie and pants, black shoes and a black ski mask covering his face. Josh inhales.

_Oh. Oh, this was new_.

Tyler had never worn his full stage outfit during their play. He was obviously becoming more confident in his dominant role and this was _exactly_ what Josh had asked for.

Tyler walks towards him, holding something in his hands that Josh can’t quite make out in the dim lighting. He pulls the string of an overhead light and it bursts to life with a yellow glow. Josh gulps as Tyler turns to him and he realizes what he is holding, _a rope_.

Josh exhales a breath he hadn’t noticed he was holding and with it he feels himself beginning to slip, a floating, high, bubbling feeling of complete and utter surrender, like his body subconsciously knew what was in store for him, had been aching to let itself go for sometime.   
The suited and masked man makes his way towards the other, Josh’s breath hitches as he makes eye contact with him and he realizes Tyler was even wearing the red contacts.

_God this was going to be so intense_.

“S-sir.” He whispers out obediently, letting Tyler in, letting Tyler know that he was ready for total submission and utilization. All for Tyler. He no longer owned any part of himself, he was all Tyler’s.

The suited man is silent as he reaches out a gentle gloved hand to stroke Josh’s cheek, simultaneously his shoe comes to place itself against the front of his shorts, pressing down against his already forming erection.  
Josh gasps rather loudly in surprise and Tyler hits the side of his face abruptly, hit muffled slightly by the gloves.

“Quite.” Josh’s equilibrium spins from the sudden impact. The rope is squeezed under Tyler’s grip and Josh watches as he unravels it slowly before him, next wrapping the length of the cording around Josh and the chair he was sitting to, binding him firmly to it with his wrists behind his back.

“Now you’re going to be a good play thing for me, okay? Don’t fight me, don’t make a sound unless I say to, is that understood?”

Tyler’s masked face is inches from Josh’s and he stares into the red depths of his eyes, searching for the loving, gentle friend he knows.  
He doesn’t see an inkling of him, all he sees is fire and command inside Tyler’s irises.

This was him in his most untamed element and it was absolutely blindingly sexy. Josh was very well ready to be commanded. He nods shakily to indicate that he understood what Tyler wanted, pulse pounding in his ears, in his cock.

“Good. You belong to me.”

A hand is placed around Josh’s throat, firmly holding him in place while Tyler tilts his face up and leans down to lick at the other man’s already parted lips. “Open.” He demands and Josh obeys, allowing his partner to force his tongue into his mouth.

The grip tightens around his throat and Josh makes a small whine. “Hmmm you taste so good. Filthy little whore.” Tyler praises and degrades all in one sentence and strokes at his throat while he kisses him wetly, teeth clacking against teeth. He then leaves Josh’s close proximity, dazing him with the sudden lack of physical attention.

Josh doesn’t bother to watch where he was going or what he was doing though. He would rather not know, to be clueless, helpless, and have Tyler completely in control. He trusted him with every part of his entire being and it felt so comforting to relinquish himself like that to somebody he loved so dearly.

Tyler is behind him now and Josh feels him run his gloved hands down the front of his heaving chest. Then those hands come to place something around his neck and Josh knows it’s the black posture collar, something they had used before. It was very efficient in encouraging Josh to succumb to subspace and he found it quite soothing to wear.  
With a _click_ Tyler locks it in the back so it can’t be removed. He gives it a firm tug, cutting off Josh's air supply for a moment and mumbles satisfactorily, “Tight enough.”

Tyler is rounding himself back to Josh’s line of sight now, and he is removing the gloves, revealing his black painted hands underneath.  
Out of the confines of the gloves, Tyler’s fingers flex and move slowly, the veins of his hands standing out under the yellow light. He’s rubbing at his own wrists and fingers, Josh knows that his hands can become tired from playing the piano and ukulele.

Josh reminds himself to offer massages to him more often. The kind thought seems inappropriate during such an indecent situation and as if Tyler could read Josh’s naive train of thought, he strikes him again. _Hard_. Bare hand against bare flesh, the sound rings out in the hollow expanse of the concrete walls.

Josh really tries his best not to make a noise as he feels a rush of adrenaline, a bolt of pleasure and pain mixing so startling fast together that it knocks the wind out of him. Another hit and Josh is gasping, unable to keep himself quiet, cock twitching in his shorts, vision blurring.

“Good. _So_ good for me.” Tyler is hissing, stroking the areas of skin that are burning from impact and Josh’s eyes are fluttering open and closed in a daze, in an attempt to stay coherent and obedient. Tyler wraps his fingers around the collar again and pulls hard, cutting off breath, more seriously this time. Josh tries to swallow as he crushed his windpipe.   
  
_How was Tyler so strong?_ From the look of his stature you wouldn’t expect him to be so. But maybe Josh was simply so weak in his current state of being.

Another hand gropes as his bicep, nails scratching against his nipple and then pinching hard. “O-oh!” Josh can’t help the strangled sound and as soon as it exits his mouth, he realizes what he’s done.

Tyler’s hand releases his collar only to grab at his jaw hard, angling his face towards him to lock brown eyes with red ones. “What did I just tell you, _huh_? Shut the fuck up, you bitch.”

His jaw is yanked open, tongue lolling out of his mouth sloppily as Tyler is shoving two black painted fingers into his mouth. “I will just have to _make_ you be quiet.” And he is as his mouth is full with Tyler’s fingers, they press against the back of his throat and he heaves, eyes watering as he tries not to reject the digits from his throat.

He wants to be good. He wants to be so good for his master.

“Not so easy to make sound now is it, _Kitten_?” The pet name made Josh’s blood pulse. Tyler knew how much that name drove him mad, making his heart patter. Josh loved feeling small. The rest of the world always seemed to expect him to be this strong, capable man, but not with Tyler, with him Josh felt insignificant, delicate and soft. Tyler had a way of understanding and validating that part of him. Josh was allowed to be shameless during this time.

He was Tyler’s little _Kitten_.

The fingers mercifully leave his mouth and he’s aware of black coated hands now tugging at his shorts, slipping them off so his own hard cock springs free, so eager for attention. Tyler ignores his hardness though, instead slapping his hand down harshly onto Josh’s inner thigh. He sucks in a breath, biting his lip and stifling a yell.

_Slap slap slap_. Again and again he’s hit on the sensitive inner thighs, the skin is blossoming into a bright red underneath the dark contrast of Josh’s body hair. Tears are gathering in Josh’s eyes with every strike and he’s shaking. His mind was muddled and foggy like an old photograph that you couldn’t quite make out. It was so good. It was all so very good.

“Ah! Sir! _Please_, no more!” He yelps his words, no longer able to be as obedient as his master would have liked. Tyler stops striking him but runs a hand through Josh’s fluffy bright hair, tugging slightly.

“You _really_ think I’m going to stop because of your pathetic mewling?”  
A harder tug on his hair as Tyler asks this and Josh shut his eyes hard to quell tears bursting from them.

“You are nothing but a play thing for me. You really need to work up your tolerance, Kitten.”

A gentle stroke on the lips and cheek.

“I’m ready to teach you a thing or two.”

The voice is suddenly so startling aggressive and near Josh’s ear he whimpers in response, heart a drum in his ears as loud as the one he plays onstage.

He is aware of Tyler’s calloused hands stroking at his inner thighs and Josh jumps in surprise as he presses two fingers into his hole, a sting of pressure as he only uses Josh’s own precum for lubricant.

“A-h! Sirrrrrr.” The words are so breathy, they are barely words at all. Josh wants so badly to ride on Tyler’s hand but his master is pulling them out before he has a chance to catch rhythm.

Josh was ready to plead and beg, make a fool out of himself but he doesn’t have to because Tyler is now slicking up a black anal plug with lubricant and Josh’s eyes go wide as he sees it.  
“Ohhhhh.” He groans. Tyler knew how much Josh loves being filled up. He flashes red eyes to him and Josh can tell by the way he is squinting that there is a big sadistic smile underneath the ski mask.

_Jerk._

The toy was so big. And Josh was suddenly so full, he’s keening and his hips are bucking upward hard in an attempt at riding himself on the toy.

“You better not fucking come, whore. I haven’t had any real fun yet.” Voice so stern, Tyler is hunched over him, accusing black finger in his face and Josh is actually intimidated, so he (_rather reluctantly_) slows his hip movements, legs shaking from desperate need.

Josh wonders what else Tyler could possibly want to do to him. They talked about so many things, Tyler describing in detail what he had always thought about trying with somebody.

Josh’s head spins with anticipation.

Tyler leaves his line of sight again and Josh uses the opportunity to try and catch his breath. Soon he returns, retrieving something that Josh doesn’t register at first.  
It’s glinting in the yellow light and Josh blinks hard to unblur his vision.

_Holy fuck_. A _knife_.

Josh’s heart races as his eyes snap up to meet with Tyler’s, his gaze cold and calculating. Josh’s body shook; with fear, with excitement, with an overload of stimulus.

He’s gonna cut me. Tyler is going to make me bleed.

Josh is ready. _He’s been ready_.

A black hand wraps itself around Josh’s angry hard cock, Tyler squeezes him firmly at the base, keeping him from coming even if he wanted. The knife is dragged ghostingly across Josh’s bare chest and he sucks in a shaky breath, anticipating the unknown. The tip of the metal tool is teasingly pressed to his bicep, leaving a small red dot in its wake.

“Are you a pretty little toy?” Tyler purrs, “Say it, say you are just a little toy.” Josh’s mind scrambles to remember how to form words.  
“I am - I’m a little _toy_, s-sir.” And his voice isn’t nearly as shaky as he has expected it to be. “My little toy.” Tyler corrects but Josh is unable to properly respond.

He’s beginning to panic, mind short circuiting, this was something that happened regularly in his life, it always sucked and made functioning hard, sent him into a frenzy of dissociation and overthinking.

The difference this time though was that he was panicking because Tyler was _guiding him_ through it. There was so much stimulation happening at once that he didn’t feel his anxiety was much of a concern really. Maybe inducing the panic attack gave him a sense of power over it?

_I control you, so you can’t control me_.

Josh held this in his mind as a lifeline as a sharp burning sensation flickers throughout his body and he looks down to watch as his partner is expertly dragging the sharp metal against his sweaty skin.

Tyler was no stranger to knives. The man had been playing with sharp objects for so long, he knew exactly how much pressure to use to create different varying degrees of sensation, how much until he caused some _real_ harm. Josh trusted him, but his brain wanted to tell him otherwise.

Josh feels the blade graze forgivingly against his bicep next, the one without a tattoo, because the tattooed arm was off limits for obvious reasons. Cutting a beautiful red stripe so steadily across Josh’s arm, Tyler is seeming to hold his breath as he carefully decorated Josh with small cuts. Some to his chest, some to his outer arm.  
_How is Tyler’s hand so unwavering_? It was impressive. Josh would have complimented him if he was able to speak, he could barely even think.

With every stroke like a paintbrush to his skin, Josh is gasping and weeping, he doesn’t remember when he actually started crying but the tears are spattering across his chest like rain fall, dripping on the cool floor below, painting it dark with salt.

He is leaking and painfully hard, precum dripping down to pool on the chair he was sitting on, and he’s not doing a very good job at keeping from fucking himself on the plug. Tyler’s hand squeezes him hard.

God he wants to come.

_Please would Tyler let me come_?

“You look so pretty Kitten. So, so pretty.”

Tyler is dragging the tip of the instrument gently down his arm and hovers above his wrist. “Y-yellow.” Josh manages to choke out and Tyler falters for a moment, breaking from character as he acknowledges Josh’s use of their safeword. No inner arms. The blade continues its journey as it trails down Josh’s ribs now, gentler at first and then deepens a little harder as it nears his stomach. 

A part of his mind that tried to hold composure had been fried out like a computer chip that’s overheated. The small shred of ego and self identity that Josh grasped onto daily absolutely crumbled away.

Anxiety and concern seemed to combust in an uproar of flames inside him: this man no longer was Josh Dun, the guy who played the drums in twenty one pilots, and had a hard time talking in front of crowds; he was simply a vessel of flesh, and blood and tangible feeling. He was sound and emotion and color dancing behind his eyelids in a frenzy.

He was cold and hot, blue and red, painful and pleasurable. He was nothing and everything.

Josh could imagine this is what taking drugs would feel like, all he knew really was weed and booze, but he didn’t need someone to explain how being high felt to him because this, _this right now_, was the highest he had ever been.

The pain was intense as Tyler cuts into the sensitive, toned skin of Josh’s abs. Tyler is breathing hard through the ski mask and Josh wonders foggily if he is okay.

_Wonders if **he** is okay_? The thought makes him mentally laugh at his own overly expressed consideration for others. _He should really work on that_.

Josh is trying to watch, morbidly fascinated by his own body’s reactions to the physical trauma, the red is smearing against his pale skin, thinks how it looks like raspberry jam, the metal gleaming like starlight, it’s all very beautiful but Josh’s eyes roll back involuntarily in his head and he moans loudly.

Then he feels the blade move to his thigh, _one cut, two cuts_, Josh is choking out sobs and he feels like he might pass out. Then to his hip, closer to his cock and tears are streaming down Josh’s face more freely, his lip trembling hard as he gasps out strangled wails.

He can’t even remember the last time he cried like this, felt _allowed_ to cry like this. His chest heaves harshly, half of him wishing Tyler would stop, the other half so far gone he doesn’t care what Tyler does to him, wants him to do _everything_ to him.

“Ty-p-pl-lease--_can’t-_“ it’s barely a sentence at all, choked out between cries, but Tyler looks up, Josh thinks he may have seemed concerned for a moment but then he rises from his crouched position, brings the tip of the blade delicately against Josh’s chin and tilts his face up. Josh strains to try and fuzzily focus on his master’s eyes but he is unable so he simply whimpers and blubbers incoherent sounds.

“Please _what_, little bitch?” Tyler yanks on the collar. Josh yelps.

“You poor little thing, are you ready to come for me now?” A hand squeezes at his cock that was still being gripped unforgivingly and Josh cries out again, tears trailing down his face pathetically. He nods so weakly it’s almost lost in the violent tremors of his own crying.

His master is trailing a black painted hand across his chest, blood mixing with the charcoal color, knife now coming to hover in front of Josh’s throat teasingly. He feels the icey cool metal press against his neck and Josh is _actually scared_ for a moment again, but mostly so fucking far gone he doesn’t care about anything but the relief of orgasm.

Tyler presses the instrument a little more firmly against the small expanse of his throat above the collar he wore and it’s so cold and sharp and Josh is scared to breath too deeply lest he cut himself on the blade but he just _wants to come wants to come wants to_-

Tyler lets go of his death grip around his dick and utters a simple, “_Come_.” Against his ear.

Josh sees heaven.

The white light that pierces through his core brings him nearly to a collapse of mental sanity.

  
_Nothing in the world felt more incredible than this_.

And again he thinks this is how it feels to be high. Understands why people take drugs and jump off high buildings and did crazy life endangering shit. It was always for relief, for release, for a reminder of being a human being. A reminder of feeling the most raw way a person can feel. It was amazing for Josh to be able to release control like this, to let his anxiety just exist inside of him as he was put through an incredibly intense situation.

He is thanking Tyler silently in his head over and over again since he can’t possibly speak while he orgasms, but he thanks him for this release, this relinquishing of anxiety and fear, if just for a moment and the satisfaction for something beyond anything Josh has ever known.

He is still sobbing, shuttering and heaving, only somewhat aware of the wet hot mess he made all over his own lap and stomach. Josh’s shoulders slump forward exhaustedly, nearling tumbling to the ground if it weren’t for the restraints that kept him tethered to the chair.

He doesn’t know if he is even alive and breathing at the moment, time and space seemed unreasonably perplex.

A loud humming in his ears like an electrical wire that had been cut.

Darkness.

Numbness.

Nothingness.

Everythingness.

—

“Baby. _Baby_, come back to me.”

The voice was like a warm glow of light through a blacked out sky.

“I’m here Josh, you did so good. So good. I’m _so_ proud of you.”

Hands are warm and soothing and safe, cupping at Josh’s face, he feels the bonds release his arms, they feel like jello and the toy is removed, causing him to whimper loudly.

Josh is falling forward now, pressing himself against the chest of the red suited man, feebly wrapping his arms around the other’s waist. Josh is subconsciously aware of the hard wetness beneath his partner’s zipper.

Hair being pet, he asks, “Do-do you need-?” But Tyler hushes him, “It’s okay baby, this was all about you tonight. I came a little just from being able to play with you.” And Josh sighs a big long breath, giving his full weight to Tyler’s embrace.

“Do I okay?” He slurs brokenly into Tyler’s clothing. “Josh you were - _fuck_ \- you were absolutely _incredible_.” Hands soft through his hair still, then down his back, rubbing at his shoulders.  
“I can’t believe you took the knife so well...I...god I _know_ you said you really wanted me to use it on you, I was just so nervous of making you panic-“

“I did panic.” Josh adds.

”Well, yeah, but you-but you still proved to me, to the _both of us_, that you could push past that. I got scared a few times that you really needed me to stop, but I know how firmly you reiterated that I shouldn’t unless you safe worded. I am so proud of you sweetie..._thank you_...thank so much for this.”

Tyler’s voice is like low thunder rumbling in the distance and Josh’s eyes slip closed as he listens to the sound and hums a small reply to acknowledge Tyler’s appraisal.

Josh felt weightless and heavy, invigorated and absolutely drained all at once, a buzzing in his ears of bliss and spent energy.

Tyler felt practically the same and he presses a kiss to his yellow colored head. “Ready for me to clean you up?” “Mmhm.” Tyler scoops him up easily into his arms, helping him through the door, Tyler was stronger than he looked.

—

The bathroom door was already open thanks to pre planning on Tyler’s part and he had started to run the water before they began their scene.

“Hope it’s still warm.” He mumbles while he sets Josh down in a chair in the corner, reaching a still blackened hand out to test the temperature of the bath water.

”Ah, it’s perfect.” Josh is closing his eyes dazedly, shivering a little and Tyler places a hand on his knee marked ‘**Tyler**’, an attempt to center him, to remind him that the intensity was over and it was time to relax.

”Here, Josh, let’s get you warm and cozy.”

Tyler washes away the blood, cum and sweat, careful to be gentle with the wounds, fingers working into his curly dyed hair with soap, scrubbing away the black paint that had rubbed off on his dick and face.

Tyler feels a little guilty. _Only a little_.

His own paint is coming off from his hands as he’s cleaning Josh, as if washing away the vulgarity of the things he just did with them.  
Tyler exhales breathily, taking in with his eyes the red marks that he made all across his partner. Something he had always fantasized about, wanted so badly to experience, never thought he was allowed to, never thought he’d find a person who understood, a person strong enough to take it.

Yet here was the beautiful, kind, strong man before him who shared the same burning salacious desire in his stomach for pain and pleasure.

He marvels at Josh’s freckled skin, flushed red from the attention of tonight, _all because of him_.

He drains the bath, helping Josh to stand on shaky legs. “One, two.” Tyler guides him out, wrapping him in a blanket of a warm towel. Josh groans appreciatively. He’s sat down onto the chair again and closes his eyes contently.

Tyler retrieves things from the medicine cabinet, all things he should have had ready, but failed to remember that detail. He forgives himself.

He won’t be so careless next time. Tyler _hopes_ there was a next time.

Josh _knows_ there will be a lot of next times.

Tyler squints in concentration as he dresses Josh’s wounds; the small ones on his chest and arm, his legs, then the larger one on his stomach.  
Josh is silent and Tyler looks up to him, “You know I was so scared-” Josh hums to indicate he was listening, eyes still closed peacefully, “Was so scared that you’d be scared of _me_. And that I’d end up losing you forever because of this.”

Josh glances down, eyes still red and wet from crying. He smiles ever so gently.

  
“Never.” He croaks out and clears his throat. “Never have to feel alone, Tyler. Never have to feel ashamed. I’m always beside you.”  
Even through his broken English, he is easily understood and Tyler’s heart pangs, feels his eyes water and Tyler rubs at his face to keep from crying.  
He wants to say something back but neither of them have much vocabulary so Tyler continues to apply bandages to the markings he made.

They aren’t in need of words at the moment. The room was quiet and the circumstances vulnerable and raw just like years before when Tyler tended to Josh’s bleeding fingers, but this time it was all out in the open.

Tyler can feel Josh’s heartbeat and he sighs against his neck, presses a kiss to his forehead, hand cupping the crook of his neck softly, fingers stroking at the base of his skull.

“I love you so much Josh.”  
“Love you Ty.”

They lock weary eyes with one another and Josh furrows his brow in concern, “What’s up man?” He asks. “You still have contacts in.” And Tyler breaks out in laughter.

“Yeah, yeah I should take those out huh?” Josh is smiling and laughing weakly too, nodding. “Do you want to go lay in bed and watch Friends now?” Josh nods and Tyler grins, interlacing his fingers with Josh’s as he pulls him up into his arms, out of the bathroom.

—

No one should have to live in shame of themselves or their emotions.

In the loneliness of doubt it’s easy to become swallowed whole by it and feel like you must close yourself off at all costs, that no else could possibly understand you, that you are a sinful person for your thoughts and desires and you must deny and fragment yourself from anything you or your environment has deemed as ‘bad’.

But people all have good and bad in them, yin and yang, light and dark, that’s simply how life is.

We can sometimes find another person who is understanding of our complex darkness, and together, work to facilitate a healthy way of expressing those truths.

Everyone deserves the validation they never received as a kid, everyone is searching for that ‘its okay’ they were never told.

An embrace from someone, a safety net to feel like no matter what you say or do, its allowed and it's okay. It’s okay to just be whatever you need to be.

Tyler and Josh had searched so hard to find this, both thinking that they would never have it, thought they didn’t deserve it.

But it happened. It was bound to happen.

**Author's Note:**

> _i'm not evil to the core, what i shouldn't do i will fight_   
_i know i'm emotional, what i wanna save i will try_   
_i know who i truly am, i truly do have a chance_   
_tomorrow ill switch the beat, to avoid yesterday's dance_


End file.
